The Pizza Locust

All food reviews are subjective. It may not be possible for my pizza experience to be meaningful for you. You may be one of those people who don’t think mushrooms taste like old gym socks.

As with any personal experience, no two people can truly compare their experience with another. Philosophically, how can you tell if the color you see as blue is the same as the one I see? We agree that it is blue, but we cannot know if it looks the same. The sense of taste is that same, and while I can not convey my taste to you, I can at least state that I am a supertaster. I am more sensitive to certain flavors than 75% of the population.

Given that pizza reviews will always be a personal and subjective experience, is there a way to make the process less subjective?

Perhaps.

The first step is to narrow the definition of the word “pizza.” I would argue that it does not need narrowing, because a pizza is a finitely defined thing. Regrettably, the forces of evil in this world have fouled-up even that. You can go to Taco Bell and get so-called Mexican pizza. Some people call Okonomiyaki a “Japanese Pizza.” Neither are pizzas.

For the purposes of the Pizza Locust, pizza is an Italian-themed dish made with the following essential components:

• A base crust made of a bread dough.
• A tomato-based sauce (“White” pizzas do not qualify)
• Cheese – most commonly mozzarella, but possibly a blended derivative. (A “pizza” made exclusively with Bavarian Beaver Armpit Cheese or any of the more exotic cheeses will also be disqualified as pretentious twaddle.)
• Toppings or not. A great pizza doesn’t need toppings, and, the endless potential combinations lead to a lot of pizza squabbles. I think that too many toppings spoil the pizza in any number of ways. For the purposes of narrowing the field, review pizzas will try to remain to one of four types:
  • Cheese
  • Pepperoni
  • Sausage (Italian)
  • Pepperoni & Sausage

Within these restriction, there’s still an enormous amount of latitude: Thin crusts, thick crusts, New York style, Chicago style, California style and even more.

Pizzas even vary considerably within the same establishment based on the size of the pie. An 18″ pizza just doesn’t cook as well as an 8″ pizza. Trying to compensate for that variation is a bit more difficult since not all restaurants have the same available sizes. Review pizzas will be, when practical, the smallest available pizza on the menu.

Freshness is all-important. Reheated pizza is right out. (Although, I might, in a fit of blind optimism, try a frozen pizza or two and comment on them.) Delivered pizza is not acceptable unless there is no other alternative. Pizza should be fresh from the oven to the table. The exception being the “4 minute rule.” That rule being that, if a pizza can be placed on my dinner table within 4 minutes of coming out of the oven, it will still be considered fresh. Delivery only places will be so noted, and (again, where practical) the pizza will be picked up rather than delivered.